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Merry Christmas. im like a child scrambling with anticipation stirring for a celebration. ..Jesus was born to bring good news of forgiveness and redemptive new lives for the oppressed and those oppressing… breaking the human cycle of despair and hopelessness. may we sing and shout with great joy in view of his mercy and love.

Living light in the darkness, color in the dullness, salt in the tastelessness… forming the shapeless endless kingdom coming into being.

My thanksgiving started out with a personality test(that I had never taken!)…where I found my behavioral balance between being dramatic, vigilant, and ideosyncratic. Took a motor cycle ride to the other John’s flat… For a wonderful birthday party/thanksgiving feast among old,new, and brand new friends. (nerd alert)Afterwards we played settlers of catan with 7people on two games and half of a homemade expansion. I was able to build one road and buy 16 development cards. Haha. On a complete other note.… I am watching my friend ellens house and so have some space to myself. Though I do miss my family that I was staying with, I can come and go as I please. My cross country journey is coming up quick so it’s good to get some rest without allergy problems.
this last week I rode to the nagarkot tower/stupa to see the langtang range of the Himalayas. (everest being ever so faint in the distance… But present) my day started at 5 am and due to the real world not distinguishing between a yellow road and a red one like my map does, I found myself on a dirt trail on the side of a mountain until nearly 11. When I got to the tower there was a shuddering commotion as I had scared what seemed to be 50 golden eagles from thier mountain top perches. Not to mention the 180degree stare of the whitecapped langtangs. My descent took about an hour and a half. Bone crunching is what we called it on the pct. 25kilomtrs of rocky jostling dirt inhalation. My smile was nearly touching my ears though my butt and forearms where screaming profanities.

Yesterday was my two month mark. I went to the embassy with my friend Robert and on the way back a motorcycle hit my bike at a grinding hault at a stoplight. Scuff of the tires kind of thing. Shock meeting heartstopping smiles. Needless to say this is what life feels like in Nepal. There is danger all around and often close and so my senses are heightened. My awarness of myself and my contxt are constantly being sharpened. Then there is the deep soaking rest that comes after you’ve given your everything to the day and survived to tell the story. It’s good. Difficult and often heartwrenching but good.

My love grows so much in distance. I pray these words find you in good health and spirit as the earths angle makes a shorter day and colder season. Haha. Yours truly, johnraux.

ive been off and on sick the last few weeks..due to the cold weather…according to the nepalis. my feet have actually gone into the always cold phase… owell. met a wonderful group of internationals(non nepali) that live close to me. in two weeks ive gone from daal bhat everyday to pizza and tandoori chicken… they say theyve ruined me… i feel like ive been given a breather. I finished lost highway(about Shangri la)… and realized that im here. not the Himalayas but the life im already living. the kingdom inside of me..inside of you. sensational rollercoaster of chaos and order. gift and garbage. the paradox of growing older while becoming younger. Im sure that I will do many more things to laugh at my foolish ways in hindsight but choosing to follow my heart will always bring me back to the joy I already know. the christ already risen. the creative poetry of all creation. my relationships that mean more than the world to me.. they are the world and I am but a traveler on a voyage.… watching, listening, learning, playing, risking the trial version will work long enough for me to express something simply with what Ive been given. a song of gratitude where the main melody is charity expressed through love.

Im journalling everyday with silly mundane details to remember my time hear…mapping the journey. here are a few randm days from this past 3 weeks.

Oct 6 day3.

tossed my dal this morning. I think Im eating the rice too fast. not sure. I was able to eat the rest of “brunch” after my hurling experience. Met Dukpa, Saroj’s brother in law(at least he calls him that) and went to a recording studio to meet his band. shared a little james dean trio and mike crawford with Chetn the engineer. went to Dukpas house, ate biriani, watched a pirated jack black film with hindi subtitles. on the way home had samosas and takari at jawalakhel. learned how to make aloo parathas when i returned home. Getting into the pre dawn rhythem of yoga, prayer, reading, language study, journaling, and cheeya before little brother (Targan) wakes up.

Oct 17 d 14

woke up (in a storage room for carpets in Boudha) and did a watercolor of the drying carpets. found my way up to arubari via general instructions over a muted phone. toured Heather adn Maika’s house and had Coffee!! and Pasta!!!(with cheese and chicke) told the kids stories from the PCT. Met all the pets(over 10) had a chaotic  singing time with the kids leading the songs followed by a very wonderful and encouraging discussion with Heather adn Maika about relationships, transitions, and community. watched dragon ballZ with the kids(so funny to see the kids bust out when  an american actor says Namaste). walked down to the ring road. met a college kid who helped me onto the wrong bus.. on that bus another man figured out where i was heading and got me off the bus and onto another.  when they found out where i was going i was just pushed off of the bus… luckly i had done some exporing in my nieghborhood and after a surreal few minuites of being really lost in a foreign city in the middle of the night i found my way home. It felt so good  to walk in that door. dalbaht with a small glass of coke. early to beed.

Oct 21 day 17

Went over to Robert and Megans and played with Titus while meagan talked to a friend online. Took a HOT SHOWER! what a joy adn blessing. went exploring to find the german bakery and the bike shop.  bought a sweet trail map around the city to broaden my wanderng range. walked to Durbar Square in Patan… looking for a scarf… and ended up painting the old city with street kids conversing and watching all around me. went to chetn’s studio and listened to more of Dukpa’s songs. Went to the momo cart..had momos adn got cheeya for Targan. went home and when the power went out( as it usually does in the evening) i listened to HeartattackTime Machine while watching the motorcycle and taxi lights create a wonderful abstract shadow effect on the cieling. made roti and when Targan returned… of coarse more momos!

Oct 27 day 23

went for a walk with Nabin around his neighborhood. realized one of the men I met the first day at the wedding was the owner of top of the world coffee(which Dan had an email contact and Robin read an artical about before I left) walked by his house. sat and watched some kids to tai kwon do. bought peanut butter and and baking powder for Megan’s banana pancakes. Had cheeya and egg sanwiches with the family. rode up to arubari exploring northern kathmandu. set up the slackline for the kids to walk… my arms got very tired after helping the 10th kid across. watched a documentary on Ladock with Maika.. did my first night ride home. crazy. and awesome.

a few more things.

electricity– Ive recently found out there is a “rough” schedule to the power outages… which most

the time is about 2 hours during the evening and 4 at max. my headlamp is now shared by my family, the family next door, and targan when hes out late with the momo cart. other than that we have an oldfashioned oil lamp and my cell phone has a dandy flashlight on the end of it. woohoo light.

internet– currently i am uploading more photos and videos and the blazing speed of 13.6 kb per second! flash… and im at a westerners home on their computer… the windows2000 machines at my cyber cafe sometimes move that quick.

“when the water comes” –people have as much water as their  “system”(buckets and one pump) can hold when water flows through each particular nieghborhood. so for me.. during the day we have the buckets we’ve filled up to last until 6ish when the spicket works again. some people have hot water… which means there are pipes on the roof painted black for the sun to heat as it flows down…meaning the longer the water runs the hotter it gets.

atms– some of these self proclaimed money exchangers give you access to your bank and some of these give your bank account access to the man behind the curtain.

kilos– im actually gaining weight with all of the rice and momos that im being fed… and i eat maybe a third less than apoo.

sweets– i dont know what it is… but the sugar in all the cheeya reminds me of frosted flakes.

Kathmandu consumerism– i cracked and starting buying things. a mask for the smog with awesome flames on it. the prementioned cell phone. “a cross coantry” mountain bike. and a sweet –10C sleeping bag… all have proven to be pretty handy so far.

morning ritual– hackjob yoga tai chi 8th grade gym class. prayer/meditation. journaling. ipod time with mike crawford, chris crisci, don and laurie chaffer. cheeya. walk or bike someplace new… or wait for the family to wake up.

Ill put up some of my journal entries and more photos this next week.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Momos. water buffalo dumplings with a chili sauce that my wonderful hosts sell on a cart down on the main road.

.Bunu. my 5 year old language tutor. mostly we sing and tickle but sometimes it turns into hurt feelings.

. Patan. south of Kathmandu where im staying with Pastor Saroj and the Chetri family. Its basicly the place where the city falls off into rice fields.

. Nose ring. I always know when the locals are talking about me because of the signature way that they wiggle there noses. (Tamang women often have the same piercing)

.toilet. well theres a hole in the floor. buckets of water all around. you figure it out.

.watercolor. everyone wants to see what jn roe the tall white man with the “shake your nose” is doing. this is often the start of my “discussions”(basicly learning names..beyond that my Nepali breaks down)

.spirit. everyday is a new day. never know what is instore, who i will meet, what i will be doing. many where masks due to the polution. the open endedness of the culture is like breathing fresh air.

. eucharist. cheeya and biscuits with everyone i meet. we are all human and meet across the table for food and the warm life that sips sweet ginger and new relationship.

–jraux

John Raux thinks more monks should be ninjas(or at least know kung fu). contemplative and physical health flourish when pushed to rigorous ends. the great challenge to make peace without murder is exemplified by creativity, physical activity and prayer…. min us the throwing stars. save those for the renn fest.

September 20 at 2:15am

Plan like the wind, commit like an animal, connect like a tree, vow like a mountain,love like the ocean tide… swelling by the gravity of another.

September 18 at 7:24am

John Raux thinks there is a light at the end of the tunnel. death may be the ocean that all stream and river of life empties into.. that all time and circumstance eventually discover.. and yet there is current in that ocean. we fear the ungraspable and yet are held in its hands. we wrestle the mystery that compels us to move into being and dying for we have a desperate preference in what we already know and remember. the deep gravity sings new life with each moment that passes away. to not fight death but to live fragility through the difficult tunnel of love we call the way, the journey.

Sept 16 at 7:32am

John Raux thinks there is a fine line between being a captivating speaker and holding people captive through monologue, monopoly, ranting or rabbit trailing. the appropriate content with the right timing and context makes us longwinded orators more likely to end up making sense out of our gibberish than sticking a foot in our mouths or saying im sorry.

Sept 12 at 3:04am

John Raux what is meta for? a system of systems,the nature of nature,theory of theories, problem with problems,comprehending comprehension. A simple self referencing prefix becomes prophetic,shedding intuitive light on the complicated “strange loops” of this sometimes seemingly paradoxical world we live in. For us to understand our context we must first understand ourselves & “how” we come to understanding in the 1st place.

September 11 at 12:26pm

John Raux wonders if meaningfulness is a personalized version of pattern recognition.. aggregating & developing synapses of preference exercised in repetition. What does it look like to nurture a patterned life? How do we see & notice,slow down & be present to our aggregating story? willpower & cultural belief systems will not save us from meaninglessness. though nothing is beyond repair. the mystery beckons us with love.

September 10 at 1:23am

John Raux has been dreaming a lot possibly due to minimal sleep(rem overdrive to heal), lying on his back(good circulation & nerve alignment),septum piercing(sinus pressure released),& the emotional/chemical rollercoaster that comes with moving to another country(Nepal in 3 weeks).ive also heard writing them down allows for subconscious experiences to be retained and developed as you connect them with memories of past dreams.

September 8 at 10:48am

John Raux wonders if we will ever develop a collective conscientiousness.We see the terrible beginnings of this in mob mentality where our instincts & wills cave into a movement(numbing imposition of duty without question)what if we developed a social language more akin to a jazz band finding their groove with one another,with new sensitivities & subtle hints to converse about our own parts and the direction of the whole song.

Sept 4 at 12:42

i think we are not fully an individual without a community to encourage and refine us… while we are not truly part of a community without honestly being our own unique selves. cultural priorities and hierarchies ebb with the culture and the times. Love for the other, the stranger, the foreigner, our neighbor… levels the soapboxes and fills in the ditches making us all on the same page… needing a little grace, a little time to adapt,and finding some hope in a unified body (community)made up of diverse parts(individuals). I think its pretty beautiful.

Sept 6 at 2:25am

Fundamentalists & Darth Vader have a few things in common.They deal justice & use clones to enforce their judgment.They split the world into two sides of the force while not realizing that every person is on both sides,including themselves.Their good intentions lead to self destruction.How do we remain faithful & walk out our convictions without slaughtering the sand people or fighting our own family w/lightsabres?

Sept 1 at 8:25

John Raux thinks the Emperor might be more like Anarchists. Does whatever is necessary to get his way. Looks like an activist propagating freedom through just war and righteous use of power yet it is this very self-aggrandizement that leads to the same destruction as Vader. He is always on the right side at the right time and fashion often hides his true intentions. Sometimes his electricity makes you feel trust and sometimes its a deadly shock to your system. balance of the force is found in a place with Names and no –ists.(redemption of Anakin) relationships that work through diversity and adversity(not by eradicating each other) find liberation & moderation form family bonds but certainly not perfection. not to say that we shouldn’t pursue our ideals but a little humility goes a long way.

Sept 1 at 11:59

John Raux thinks fitting in & inclusion lead to communal fitness & health.to fit doesnt mean to be the same. it means having space for another.inclusion implies time spent in close proximity.to host & serve exercises the very life of a people. knowing first our own needs to help find our place & identity in community.to humble the proud and give honor to the disgraced,forgiving each others mistakes.strength through weakness.

August 30 at 8:52 am

John Raux believes that limitation is the springboard to creativity.where endless possibility may suffocate ideas or lead us into copying what others have done due to fearing the unknown.Granted, it doesnt have to.How do we cultivate spaces & relationships so they spark imagination & fuel new life within our communities? What are our limitations & how can we use those to problem solve?to guide our dreams? to find inspiration?

August 27 at 7:47am

John Raux thinks learning a new language changes how we see. how we choose. how we imagine. Challenging our knowledge and understanding of the world by reordering our thoughts and intentions with new symbols, sounds, and subtleties. Its a mess and a jumble at …first.. but the joy of communication should not be taken for granted. It is a sacred thing to be truly understood… to be known. words are more than what meets the ear.

August 26 at 4:48pm

John Raux feels the aim of war is passivity & genocide.PEACE is not passive.To let peace rule our hearts is not safe.It is kinetic, resonant, & healing but only when it is vulnerable,innocent & embracing death.Willful blood shed in love is more than symbolic.it is the very redemption of mans violence, hatred,& self destruction. As ambassadors of sacrifice,our sword is the spirit,our shield is faith,our hope breathes liberty.

August 25 3:25pm

John Raux thinks diversity and adaptability are the ancient strategy for life.relationships are forged through difficulty and capacity.Our strengths are weaknesses and weaknesses strengths. when alone their are great mountains and valleys, in community the ground is leveled by our shared contexts but different capacities. How do we cultivate kinship without commonality?In being human?being in the same place?simply being alive?

August 24

John Raux is feeling the wait of the move. the ocean, stirring outside while my insides freeze from headlights illuminating the road to collision. the unexplainable yearning finds ground in my life while familiar exploration has set a somber sail to the edge of the world… preparing to leap into the crevasse of mysteries untold and stories not yet written.

August 18 at 7:36am

John Raux thinks humans need to stop procreating,start adopting. stop overconsumption,learn to be content with what we already have.replace institutions that are motivated by wealth,growth and power with communities of health,depth and relational time.Will anything live if all the world’s resources are used for ourselves?Domination/occupation plagues us who have lost our faith.we cannot risk love but must in order to survive.

August 12 at 8:27am

John Raux assumes death is a spacetime coordinate, and yet is it not also on a pilgrimage alongside life. From our food to the costs of relationship, it seems to be understood that through death we are given life. Sometimes we can see where our journey is leading and so we walk on water with a sure focus. Other times there is only a dry place where the river once was, calling out our risky love to traverse sure death.

August 10 at 9:00am

John Raux wonders why we set ourselves up for disaster.Forcing live pegs into dead holes. CulturedInstinctualCancer, PrematureEmotionalMortem, SpiritualAnorexia.Does our health really hinge on a mix of logic and the roll of the dice?Avoiding pain, loss, and suffering only numbs ourselves with apathy and disillusionment.Our perfect ideal is screwed and yet through our long suffering we find a true expression of unconditional love.

August 8 at 8:53am

Why should we desire greener grass when there is good grass all around?or should we care for the places with no grass at all?Is a half glass of water only good when we are thirsty or when it is full?Does an empty glass not speak of a quenched thirst?…Is Potential reality or is that just my imagination?Do we hold at capacity or invest into mystery?What are you dreaming up to live out? (imagination realizing potential)

August 6 at 6:26pm

John Raux thinks contemplation and art are nearly synonymous…blurring the lines of inspiration and revelation. They are our relationship with culture, ideas, aesthetics, context, form, and practice that excavate and animate our lives. Some people yell out “what does it mean?!” without time nor authentic interest to actually seek and ponder. tis a time to see new stories and repent of painting the false gods of fashion.

August 1 at 8:34am

John Raux is wondering what our hearts long for? but not so much the cultural “desire” of the mind, persuaded by soap opera snakes and game show rules.The whisper that speaks our names into the deepest parts of our true desire, but often goes unnoticed. Do you need anything?I take care of myself. Do you have time to share?Im never free. Are those gifts for me?Im saving them for myself. Who told you of your nakedness? Adam…

July 31 at 9:37am

John Raux dreams about a road that remembers itself as a rock, a pet that remembers its pack and the provision for its life in the wild, a city forgetting that it wants to be more and so it settles and returns to the ground, the wheel becoming lost which returns the speed of man to his own legs giving him grace to remember to nurture his family, the community of life(flora and fauna) that surrounds and keeps him.

July 30 at 11:07am

John Raux is not the center of the universe, even though ALL his perspective spins around himself. Humanity is not the height of evolution, even though ALL of its culture is manipulating God’s image to their will and selfish purposes. Probably the most surprising things about humility is that it produces joy within sobriety, hospitality within hostility, beauty within fragility, and love without position.

July 29 at 8:39am

John Raux feels the call to silence and stillness… to clean and empty our burdened souls… to be filled with awareness and new inspiration… to remember passions long forgotten… to remove the roles of mastery and conquest and be renamed in the mystery and poetry of life… to exhale(give)… to inhale(receive)…

July 28 at 11:08am

John Raux rejoices in this new day… I pray for new vision…that tears would be shed to restore sight, hault war, and creatively find peace… that honor would empty itself and feed the poor and make time for those in dispair… that beauty and new relationships would inspire simplicity and abandon stress in the face of love, grace, and truth.

July 27 at 8:42am

John Raux thinks our obsession with wealth and fear of loss consumes ourselves and squanders the resources that we have to address our needs of relationship and health and then replaces them with fantasies of rape and robbery. the time to breathe fresh air, to remember your hearts true desire(and chase after it), and to stop taking your blessings for granted and start blessing others… is now.

July 26 at 8:57am

John Raux thinks we need to love the people in our lives, in our way, in our view and be compelled out of stances of retribution, moral judgment, and false humility. we are at war with ourselves and need to remember the courage, imagination, and resilience necessary to be not only non-violent but also peacemakers.

July 25 at 5:06pm

turning corners

flowing ranges that were previously impossible( improbable)

excusable reasons of disorienting relational diaspora.

What kind of world is in me when I numbly do what I mostly am attempting to stand against?

How to change my focus to what I am to stand for

letting the slips slide and the glories climb

that my whole may be sanctified to heal the lives and sight of those caught in the similar self drifting darkness.

on sunday I caught up with Jeff Eaton and we went to a  free show on the east river. I had heard of but never heard the Dirty Projectors… mainly because most of the newer indie music im just not into.… enter a big exception.

1. Grooves like west African pop music

2. They at one point have a Nirvana-esque breakdown

3. There were a few songs that I just totally got lost dancing to…twas wonderful.

filled by the brewed crushed fruit of the soil

with a nurtured froth swirling the image of the makers eddy.

take.

drink.

the speed of innocent intuition seeing emptiness as space in contrast to the present experience.

the shear wealth of care even though haphazard and clumsy at times, holding the heart as precious and with a grip on flesh keeping the free spirit from flying off a cliff or landing upsidedown on the ground.

a priceless gamble of faith.

a helpless act of desparation.

best one knows.

the flaws growing up to be unique beauty and strength, unaware of memories weight.

the nature of change.

impercievable provision.

hodgepodge account of respnsibility.

the call that sparks screaming trees to burst from hands and feet and throws lightening shock vision to eyes, raw with emotion, and untrained in the way to cope with the world.

walk on water.

spin the weather in your palm to soothe the sight of stars.

wrestle the angel.

my shield, my crest, my cup, my creed is love.

then the swell of first fridays will rise… fall into the night… i will get up and speak the next day and then man the other gallery during the fashion show maddness. then i will take my rest.

I will be down at the gallery most afternoons… (wed-sat) give me some heads up if you are planning on coming down and ill make sure to be there. 8168766013.

Title: The Journey of Home

Artist: John Raux

Gallery: Beggar’s Table (2009 Baltimore)

Opening: May 1st (open through June 26th)

Hours: 6pm — 10pm Opening night,

wed/thur/fri 11–4, sat by appointment(call 816.500.0820)

Description:  Continuing on from a walk in the mountains(Pacific Crest Trail 2007), John Raux’s been painting in response to his journey in Kansas City, and the last year of his life. The show includes 20 oil paintings that are all 16x24 inches (in contrast to the 11ft pieces a year ago at the Bad Seed). The installation will also include writing and reflections on our relationships with home, speed, and the systems of city life.  At the opening, local songwriter David Bennett will perform on the back patio and will be followed by a dance party.

moving mountains

seems like ages ago that i was out in salt lake with gramicci…

in the pasaydens caught in 5 ft of snow on the PCT…

dreaming about going to Nepal and Northern India.

critiqued by my lonely road.

the direction of the current should not be the sole judge of destination…

and fighting the current should not be the sole reason for choosing a direction.

the love of mountains shows its greatest contrast in deep valleys.

against my “better” judgement, its in the desert where there is rest.

a cosmic clock of inspiration pours itself out when we have time and have made space.

loosing sight of surroundings we give way to visions cast in the dance that our hearts have already chosen.

so sometime(im working on it) i plan to show my new paintings (which are all 16x20) and also have a benefit show… with the work from etsy and many other old or just unseen projects to fund the journey to Nepal.

these moments.

and the memories we make, we keep.

we are these memories.

(2009) the year of dancing with shadows

remembering, painting, storytelling, feasting, loving.

(its been a great first week in my studio with newly refinished floors!)